Woman’s Favourite Email of the Year!

 man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

 He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

 ’Dear Lord:

 I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

 Amen!’

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

 He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,Went grocery shopping,

 Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M.

 And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

 Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

 At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

 At 9 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

 ’Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.

 I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!’

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

 ’My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.’

This has been voted Women’s Favourite E-mail of the Year!

Hope this makes you smile…

  EVER WONDER where we are headed…

  Why the sun lightens our hair,

  but darkens our skin?

  Why women can’t put on mascara

  with their mouth closed?

  Why you don’t ever see the headline:

  “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

  Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

  Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

  Why you have to click on “Start”

  to stop Windows 98?

  Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid

  is made with real lemons?

  Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

  Why there isn’t mouse flavored cat food?

  Who tastes dog food when it has a

  “new & improved” flavor?

  Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

  Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

  Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the

  indestructible black box?

  Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

  Why they are called apartments when

  they are all stuck together?

  If con is the opposite of pro,

  is Congress the opposite of progress?

  Why they call the airport “the terminal”

  if flying is so safe?

  AND…

  In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of

  stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  On a Myer hairdryer:

  “Do not use while sleeping”.

  (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

   On a bag of Chips:

  You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

  (The shoplifter special?)

  On a bar of Palmolive soap:

  “Directions:  Use like regular soap”.

  (And that would be how???)

  On some frozen dinners:

  “Serving suggestion:  Defrost”.

  (But, it’s just a suggestion).

  On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert

  (printed on bottom):

  “Do not turn upside down”.

  (Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

  “Product will be hot after heating”.

  (And you thought????…)

  On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

  “Do not iron clothes on body”.

>  (But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

  On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:

  “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.

  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we

  could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

  On Nytol Sleep Aid:

  “Warning: May cause drowsiness”.

  (And…I’m taking this because???)

  On most brands of Christmas lights:

  “For indoor or outdoor use only”.

  (As opposed to…what?)

  On a Japanese food processor:

  “Not to be used for the other use”.

  (Now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I’m a bit curious.)

  On Nobby’s peanuts:

 “Warning: contains nuts”.

  (Talk about a news flash!)

  On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

  “Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts”.

  (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

  I don’t blame the company; I blame the parents for this one:

  On a child’s superman costume:

  “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

 

cheers and smiles,

Bobby Wan

DIPLOMACY IN THE WORKPLACE

How to ask for a pay rise: One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employees:

 

Dear Bo$$,

 

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given = $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure = you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

 

Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: 

 

 

 

 

Dear Steven,

 

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world’s leading = ecoNOmists are NOt sure, if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After = the NOvember pesidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 

Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager

 

John Doe

Friendly Club 

At the Doctor’s Office

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk…. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you’re gonna lose!

At the Doctor’s Office

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk…. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
                                                 ‘
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you’re gonna lose!

 

 

I like this Barbie doll !

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir?    We have:

1. Work Out Barbie for $19.95
2. Shopping Barbie for $19.95
3. Beach Barbie for $19.95
4. Disco Barbie for $19.95
5. Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
6. Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
7. Skater Barbie for $19.95 &
8. Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: “You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

Sir…, “Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and… One of Ken’s Friends.cheers,
Bobbywan

Where’s the $1?

  Can you tell me where is the one dollar ???Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy  gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves. That’s fact!

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.

The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00.  The cashier gives the delivery boy five  $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the  pizza. That’s fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought… these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars. OK!  So far so good! He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two-dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!

Remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what’s the problem?

 All is well, right?

Not quite. Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.

They each got back $1.00 in change.

That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is  $27.00.

The delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip.

 $27.00 plus $2.00 equals $29.00.

 Where the heck is the other dollar??????????

cheers:) BobbyWan

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

  How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“What are you doing?”
She asked.

“Hunting Flies”
He responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”
She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Female s ,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”

He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Have a nice day:)

HOW TO INSTALL LOVE

Customer Service (CS) Rep. : Yes, Ma’am, how can  I help you today?
Customer : Well, after much consideration, I’ve  decided to install LOVE.  Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep.      : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to  proceed?

Customer    : Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep.      : The first step is to open your HEART.  Have you located your HEART ma’am?

Customer    : Yes I have, but there are several  other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep.      : What programs are running ma’am?

Customer    : Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE,  LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, 
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep.     : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called  HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. About GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off  ma’am?

Customer    : I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep.      : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.  Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. 

Customer    : Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.  Is that normal?

CS Rep.      : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer    : Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep.     : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART’s in order to get the upgrades.

Customer    : Oops. I have an error message already.  What should I do?

CS Rep.      : What does the message say?

Customer    : It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.”  What does that mean?

CS Rep.     : Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common  problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS  but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things,  but in non-technical terms it means you have to  “LOVE” your own machine  before it can “LOVE” others.

Customer    : So what should I do?

CS Rep.     : Can you pull down the directory called  “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?

Customer    : Yes, I have it.

CS Rep.      : Excellent. You’re getting good at  this.

Customer    : Thank you.

CS Rep.      : You’re welcome. Click on the following  files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory:  FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF- CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer    : Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing in my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM recopying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

CS Rep.      : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.  So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it  before I go.

Customer    : Yes?

CS Rep.     : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

How Various People Search For A Wife?

FISHERMAN

Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN

Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor’s around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses!

Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST

I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high.However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN

Wife required to complete the formula of my life.Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT

Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN

Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN

I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parenthood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society………… (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER

Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER

Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER

I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I’m looking for should be strictly – a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a  girl.

The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT

Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants.She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT

Required a girl – 5′8′ &  36′ 24′ 36′ with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit  from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

SHARABI

Wanted a girl. Girl’s father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round.Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER

Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I’m calling from base, a wife is needed  for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but mapreading skills are a bonus.

BEGGAR

Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey, Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey, Allah terah bullah kurrey, Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey, Hillary hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

BUILDER

Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR

I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it’s fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO

My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER

A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT

I’m searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!